Last Saturday, I was able to moderate a local Comic-Con Q+A panel. Years ago, it wouldn’t have been possible without a lot of shaking and shivering through the whole ordeal despite having prepared notes beforehand. But that weekend, I found a little more confidence, bolstered by the knowledge I’ve gained since discovering the online trichotillomania and BFRB communities. All the stories we share, techniques we try to pull and pick less, and explorations of BFRBs through social media platforms can have incredible effects in other parts of our lives and in the lives of others.
I was the moderator at Adventure Con 2018, run by a local library and anime club in Milton, NY. We invited three panellists for the event:
- Erwin Smith (Cosplayer/Instagrammer)
- The Marvelists (Peter Melnick & Eddie Wilson, Marvel Universe-centered podcasters)
- Damien Ayato (Cosplayer/YouTuber).
I highly recommend checking them all out. They’re creative, they’re passionate, and excellent representations of the best of fandom and pop culture celebration. Every panellist deserves a full breakdown of how their Q+A went, but Damien’s has the most direct connection to how people with (and without) BFRBs are putting themselves out there in search of a creative outlet, support, and giving help — or all three.
Damien rose to prominence as a Gravity Falls cosplayer, and he also creates music videos using existing music and original creations. He’s amassed quite a following and fanbase. Having not known he was a panellist until he sat down at the table, I asked him to introduce himself. Afterwards, I quickly had questions ready. Something that hasn’t happened before, as I’ve relied on carefully prepared notes for presentations in the past. However, those notecards divert my eyes from who I’m speaking to and the audience way too much, and I’m thankful I didn’t have them this time.
Instead, I knew these topics like the back of my hand, and talking to Peter & Eddie helped me relax in front of people. Since coming forward about my BFRBs, presenting the trichotillomania documentary Trichster twice in my community, I don’t shake and shiver as much. My Communications class also taught me that long sleeves make a big difference, and I was crazy enough to wear Batman footie pyjamas for extra comfort.
I asked Damien about the pressure of being a YouTuber. Issues like scheduling and YouTube’s metrics that control how, or even if, creators receive ad revenue were among the topics covered since they’re common problems with using the service as more than a hobby. Digging a little deeper, Damien spoke about the freedom to create versus fan demand — being who we are as opposed to who we’re expected to be. He assured us that he does have full control over his channel, but not everyone is so lucky, as channels and videos can become very separate entities from the people in front of the camera.
I’ve also recognized that pressure in watching Rebecca Brown’s videos. I learned a lot about trichotillomania and BFRBs through her videos. I picked up a lot about how trich is viewed outside of myself, and more importantly, I learned how women struggle with trich and other BFRBs.
Because I’m also a film student and I review movies as a hobby, I stumbled upon film analysis videos by Lindsay Ellis, among many, many others. There was a lot of overlap between Lindsay and Rebecca’s videos that talk about what goes into creating videos, their intended audiences, and being critiqued by the masses.
Through them, I picked up how YouTube as a platform has grown from this place where people post their most personal projects, to this place where people will upload anything and everything. If they’re lucky, they’ll try to make a living doing it. Some try to make a living through these personal projects and journal vlogs, and if that version of them catches on, it can be like opening a Pandora’s Box of identity crisis.
Besides basic filmmaking 101 (making sure the camera and mic works, to oversimplify things), there’s how open are you willing to be today, are you doing a sponsorship deal? The most important thing to ask when speaking to practically the entire internet is what do people want and do you even care about that once the camera’s on?
Be upbeat and be happy, but also be yourself because that’s what sells and/or what people listen to. When they can change the channel, audiences will disregard others having a breakdown. People talking about BFRBs are easy to tune out because BFRBs still aren’t widely understood. People typically think that we can stop pulling, picking, chewing, et cetera, whenever we want. If we could do that, don’t you think we’d stop, or at least only do enough so the effects wouldn’t be noticeably visible? It’s only seen as a phase or attention-seeking behavior. Online, attention-seeking behavior can be dangerously encouraged or criticized clickbait to rack up stats. If it’s seen as attention-seeking or clickbait, commenters become cruel quickly if they don’t simply tune out.
So, at the end of the day, the content I tend to put out is narrowly focused. I review movies; what I want, when I want, and hopefully I’m able to get something else off my chest along with my thoughts on the film.
My outward breakdowns are few and far between, although there’s been a small increase this semester and it’s come out in venting to my parents, who’ve been incredibly understanding. Internal moments of panic are roughly weekly because of a packed schedule containing a lot of people I check-in with at least every few days via laptop and smartphone, or at work and in class.
What I wanted to hear, and luckily did hear, is that pulling is okay if I want it to be okay. Sometimes, it’s all I have to relieve mounting stress from school, work, and whatever random task pops up for the week. Once I was validated, and my parents and teachers learned to be less hands-on, allowing me to be more hands-on-my-head. I was able to join these communities and help spread trich and BFRB awareness.
This happened while going to college and being more active offline as well. Letting go of the stress of my trich allowed me to refocus on other interests, such as coming books. They emerged and grew and, like any irrational person, I began linking these things together as best as could, feeding them into each other. Comics started, of course, with superhero stories, and then shifted into non-fiction graphic novels and tales about characters with mental health issues. I used what I know to get into what I don’t know, and this included learning more about BFRBs and mental health, politics, and even the economy. Going out into the real world attached to these anchors of what I read and watch to help me unwind made every topic approachable. It made the preparations relaxing, and that carried over to the big days.
All this brought me to last Saturday, one of the best random–as–hell tasks in a long time.
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Eddie Thomson
Read Eddie’s previous BFRBweek blogs here: 2014 & 2017
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