By Andrea
Wondering if you’ll ever find love with a body-focused repetitive behaviour (BFRB)?
I wanted to write about this topic because I see so many posts giving advice for significant others dating someone with a BFRB. But what about those of us with BFRB that don’t have a partner yet? What’s the advice for those circumstances?
This post is all about why you shouldn’t give up on finding love despite having skin picking or hair pulling disorder.
Living with BFRBs can make our self-confidence go down the drain.
And let’s be real. Dating is hard! Dating with a BFRB can make it even harder.
I think every one of us has thought, Will someone actually date me? What if they get weirded out by my dermatillomania/trichotillomania?
All of high school, I wore my hair up in a ponytail. And I mean, every single day. Whenever someone tried touching my hair, I’d flinch and stop them so that none of my bald spots show up.
Now imagine trying to find a boyfriend. I even ran scenarios in my head telling this made-up boy about my disorder and them completely freaking out!
I never actually sought out a boyfriend. It was always something on the back burner because I was afraid of what would happen.
But during college I had a crush on this boy, and he so happened to like me back! (The first guy to ever like me back!) We ended up dating.
Mind you, at first, I still hid my hair pulling disorder.
Then one day, he said something along the lines of, “You should let your hair down.”
My brain’s sirens went off!! I thought, Oh no…
I knew he said that out of loving curiosity, but in my head, I thought, Yeah, that’s not going to happen.
While I was dating him and exploring my first year in college, I had the worst time with my trichotillomania! Before I would meet with him or go to class, I would almost have mental breakdowns around styling hair without my bald spots showing. Sometimes I would be in the bathroom for 30 minutes fixing my hair, and it still didn’t look good! After ashower, I would have to put my hair up in a ponytail so my roommate didn’t see. And wet hair in a ponytail feels so uncomfortable.
At that point, I started feeling bad about myself and felt like I was suffering alone.
After a year, I thought to myself, Okay, I should probably tell this guy about my disorder, right?
I knew there wouldn’t be the perfect time to do it. I wanted to tell him because I was sick of hiding such a big part of me.
And that was scary! He would be the second person I ever told besides my mom.
The night I told him, I cried (obviously).
But to my surprise, he said, “I think I have something similar. I can’t stop picking at my fingers.”
I was in SHOCK! My boyfriend struggles with skin picking disorder, and I had no clue.
I’m still with my boyfriend 5 years later.
Even though he had dermatillomania and I had trichotillomania, we still saw each other for who we were and didn’t let a disorder cloud that.
Not everyone will find someone with a BFRB like I did. But there’s a good chance the person you find is struggling with something that they also never told you.
And the right person will accept and respect your disorder.
So to my single people with BFRBs, stay hopeful. You’re incredible and strong! Your BFRB does not overshadow your amazing qualities.
You’ll meet someone who will make you feel comfortable and loved no matter how many skin picking wounds or bald spots you have.
You got this!
What’s your biggest fear around finding a significant other? Are you dating and afraid to tell them? Let me know where you are on your journey!
Dealing with both excoriation and trichotillomania, Andrea totally gets it! She has been pick and pull-free for 8+ months and is on a mission to help others do the same! She is the author and creator of Happy While Healing Disorders.